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Aug 13, 2009

I'm Shaking My Head Again

I'm shaking my head again, and here's why...

1. The town hall meetings regarding health care. It's not the madness that is going on in the meeting, I'm shaking my head at the fact that I can be easily entertained by that madness. I love it when the politicians are trying to explain that they are indeed saving the world.

2. Facebook notifications. Lord help me if I "like" something, I'm connected to it forever. And what's the deal with these farms people speak of? "Jane Smith started a farm and needs your pigs" ... what??! I literally imagine my friends dressed up in overalls trying to start a farm. I'm thinking, "what the heck?, I thought you were working in human resources. I'm confused".

3. Hmmm... looks like he's not the hero you thought he was, huh? That's what happens when you fall for whatever the media says and you keep up with "The Bachelor".

4. I'm now shaking my head at whoever doesn't get #3 (I'm excluding my younger readers... don't worry, you're cool with me)

5. My wife put bits of onions in some sautéed mushrooms a couple of weeks ago. That's like putting peppers on pizza. I'm eating fattening cheese, saturated fatty pepperoni, and a refined carbohydrate crust. Why would I put something with little caloric value like freakin' peppers on my pizza? It's absurd and it ticks me off.

6. It's like a project now. Just letting the dog go out and take a crap. Unbelievable. Why do you insist on smelling the same blade of grass for like an hour? Does it have magical powers? Will you become the great Jedi Lab you always wanted to be if you smell it long enough? Hmmm, no. Squat and take a dump already!

7. Lunges. I like them, but yet, I despise them. I usually roll my eyes, and then do them. In a way, lunges are stupid. But gosh, they're effective. Either way, they make me shake my head.

8. If I hear "OMG" one more time, I'm going to spew. I realize that it's just a phase and it will pass. I'll be glad when it does. You know... kinda like when you used to say, "this is rad!".

9. Why do people INSIST on making up corky exercises in the gym? Sometimes, I'm thinking, "hmmm, let's see. That is working your ... oh, that's right. Absolutely nothing. That's working your idiot appeal. Congrats. It's working!"

10. Tomatoes (diced, chopped, slices, and whole)

Jul 28, 2009

It Just Irritates Me

I might be pushing some buttons on this blog, and if I do... well quit reading. Because I won't stop. Ranting feels good. It gives me goose bumps... almost like the first game of the NFL season. And admit it. You do think some of this stuff, but you're afraid to blog about it. Alright fine, you're not dorky enough to blog about it. Making fun of myself is awesome.

1. Stimulus package commercials. Enough already. "Try our new stimulus package burger", "For a limited time, get approved on our stimulus package credit card", "try our new stimulus priced Viagra... stay stimulused for hours FREE (pay only shipping and handling). Alright, I may have made up a few all of these. Whatever.

2. All sentences on TV that have the word "healthcare" in it.

3. To the guy that was attempting to bench 300 with your buddy spotter.... when your butt and back are nowhere close to being on the bench, and your spotter is practically popping a vein in his head helping you out... you're actually helping him bicep curl 300 lbs. Congrats... I guess.

4. When you practically "disco" a 45 lb plate on your head, is that a magic trick? I can't seem to find it in my anatomy book. Oh wait, there it is... it's under the "exercises that you can make up to look like an idiot" section.

Food marketing. I love the "low carb" stickers on mayo and rib eyes. The "no trans-fats" is getting annoying. Hmmm, I ate 16 bagels, but NOOOOO trans-fats! This diet rocks!

6. Walmart parking lots. I don't get it. I'm letting you cross in front of me, and you decide to go even slower. If you were on a treadmill, you would be turning on the "what's the point?" setting. Cross over already.

7. The body language chick on the Foxnews channel that talks with Bill O'Reilly. You are seriously paid to analyze someone's arm position when they're talking? Wow, you lucked out. "Do you see how the president is wearing a navy suit with a striped tie, and has his chin up with a slight grin? That means he is wanting to spend money at this moment". Well guess what... he's ripped from the 4th Martini that he put on the expense account and is wearing a red dress and heels and he still likes to spend money. I could have my arms crossed and be very happy. I could have my arms doing the white mambo and be very happy. Analyze that for me.

8. Uptight grumpy people...Yes, I did say what I did (number 7). I'm joking around. Loosen up your collar a little bit. Here ya go... I'll make fun of myself. Will that help? "Look at me, look at me! I have like... a blog and I'm a dork! I type stuff. I'm like a Mr. Big Shot writing a blog and all. What kind of haircut is that? Ohhh, look at me, look at me. I'm so cool with my smooth and hairless head! I'm sure all 2 of my readers will read this blog. Ohhh wow, I just realized how cool I am!" LOL, making fun of myself is more fun than I thought it would be. That was awesome.

9. It's called a blinker. It comes standard with all vehicles. Try using it. Ohhh, you couldn't because you were texting? Hmmm, my bad. I'll tell you what I would tell Rosie O'Donell if I were to meet her. Take your bottom lip, pull it over your head, and then swallow. I've yet to see it happen, but I bet it would be cool.

10. Tomatoes.

Jul 21, 2009

Relationship Rant... Oh My, Dare I?

Relationships. The word alone can make you sigh as if you just ate Thanksgiving lunch and sat down to watch an NFL game. Yeah, that kind of sigh. Now before you start the "oh no you didn't" thoughts about me doing a relationship rant, hear me out on this. My wife actually suggested it. She said since I'm not the greatest at "expressing" myself (ohhhh brother), that this would help her get inside my brain. Well guess what, you don't want to go in there. It's really random. One minute I'm thinking of a workout program I'm putting together for a client, the next minute I'm hanging out with Homer Simpson watching episodes of "House". But here ya go (and I've taken naps on the sofa, and it's really not too bad)...

1. Why do women like silly, non-sense chick flicks about really shallow subject matter? We just saw "He's Really Not That Into You" (or something like that). It was about dating. It takes just seconds for someone to say the words, "Guys are difficult, and it's all a game.... the end). They found a way to tell you this one sentence over a span of over 90 minutes.

2. It's been 5 years. She still doesn't get it. Yes, I am in love with NFL football. Yes, I can watch pregame, the 1pm game, the 4 pm game, the Sunday night game, the Monday night game, the Thursday night game, the Saturday games, and all the post game highlights. And you know what? That's still not enough. My friends and family warned you. You didn't listen.

3. The "what do you want to eat?" game. I hate it. What do you want to eat? I don't know, what do you want to eat? So I finally speak up and say something like, "how about a chicken breast and some spinach?" Then, I get the "I don't want that". Let me guess... you want Taco Bell, but you want me to say Taco Bell so you don't feel guilty. Hmmm, well, this game sucks and I'm going to eat my chicken breast and spinach.

4. Yes, I'm crossing my arms, and no, it's not because I'm angry. It's comfortable. It is ok for me to cross my arms while we're talking. There's not a hidden agenda... I promise. If you quit reading the so-called "body language" articles in those silly magazines, you'll discover that my agenda for scratching my cheek is not "I'm disappointed in you and I can't stand your clothes". It's because my cheek itches. That's it.

5. If I choose Unsweetened Tea instead of a Diet Dr. Pepper, it's no reason to fall apart and think that you no longer know me and I am a completely different person making dramatic changes in my life. It's because.... well... I wanted a freakin' Unsweetened Tea instead of a Diet Dr. Pepper.

6. If I'm in the bathroom, I'm inaccessible. Please don't tell me about your friend's new ear rings. I'm basically in a different realm. I actually don't even exist. But don't worry, I will return. But until then, don't try to converse with me.

7. While I'm flipping the channels as I try to call it a night and you're reading, please... continue reading. Asking, "what's that?" at each and every channel hinders my ability to fall asleep. Every time you turn the page in your "Twighlight" series, I promise not to ask you, "who's kissing who?"

8. Soap. That's it. That's all I require to be in a shower. For you, it's almost like we have a freakin' pantry in the shower with no door. Why is Kroger's cosmetic department in our shower?

9. Vacuuming the same spot for 3 hours is just as effective as vacuuming the same spot for 1 minute. When you vacuum, our electricity bill goes up $40 that month.

10. Just to save my own butt, please understand that I'm VERY happy and this is just to get a chuckle or two. Oh yeah, and my sofa is comfortable.


Jul 14, 2009

News You Couldn't Use

Well smack my butt and call me Betty. Not only does that not make sense, but it also gets your attention. I'm going in a different direction this week and I'm going to give you some news so you'll be all caught up with what celebrities have gotten a divorce, perhaps some sports scores, and who is mad at who over Michael Jackson's death.

That's right. The King of Pop has passed away. The media has done a shameful job of letting you know, so that is why I stepped up and said something. In all seriousness, I do hope and pray for peace and stability for his family, but more importantly, his children.

Hmmm, that's weird. That's the first time I've been serious since 1987. That felt good for a second, and then unnatural. All of a sudden I want to take a shower.

Al Sharpton spoke to the media this week because he likes to hear himself talk... (this is way too easy, I can just copy and paste that sentence every week).

The country is in debt. In order to resolve this problem, they want to spend money. I don't make it up folks... I just type it.

Ex GM CEO Rick Wagoner will retire in August with a benefit package valued at more than $10 million. I have friends that have gotten laid off and all they got was 2 weeks severance, some post-it notes and a "sorry we had to do this the week before Christmas". Hmmm, I see an imbalance. At least throw in a red stapler.

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson broke up. I actually broke a sweat and lost weight trying to give a crap.

In sports ... well ... football is coming soon baby!

Paris Hilton got arrested last week for harrassing a cab driver. She made the cab driver go in reverse for 2 miles and then told him that HE owed HER money. Ok, that's not true. But she annoys the crap out of me so I can type whatever I want.

Ponder me this thought of the week... Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Have a strong finish to the week folks,

Jul 7, 2009

My First Serious Blog (Kinda)

Well, I guess it's time to post my first serious blog. And since I'm a trainer, I thought I would share with you some things about fat loss that you may not have known, or you may have known but it needs to be reiterated, or it's one of those things that you probably knew from hearing it from your significant other, but you had to hear it from someone else to believe it. It's like when you're outside and your spouse says, "dang, it's really hot out here", and you reply with, "I think it feels good". Then a stranger approaches you and says, "dang, it's really hot out here", and you reply with, "Dang, you're right", while your spouse gives you a look that can singe a hole in your favorite Run DMC t-shirt.

1. No matter how hard you train, you can't out-train your nutrition. Some people think by simply starting with an exercise program that they will lose fat. Not true. Let's say you've been taking in an extra 300 calories per day that you don't need, so it gets stored as fat. A pound of fat is approximately 3,500 calories. That means about every 12 days, you are gaining a pound of fat. (Go ahead and get your calculator.... 300 X 12 = 3,600 calories.) Let's say you don't change your diet, and you hit the treadmill every day, burning an additional 300 calories per day. 4 weeks later, you see no results. Well, that's because you're just now breaking even. You CAN'T out-train your nutrition.

2. Calories in, Calories out.... I freakin' hate that. Yes, it's true that you need to burn more calories than you take in in order to lose weight. But if "John" is eating 2,000 calories of lean proteins, fruits, and vegetables and "Robert" is eating 2,000 calories of Cokes, ice cream, and pizza, I'll bet money that "John" will have better results than "Robert". By the way, if you are reading this and your name is John or Robert, that's pretty cool.

3. No, 100 repetitions every day on the new gadget you saw on TNT the other night will not give you a 6-pack. I don't give a crap what the infomercials say.

4. People always ask me what I think the best supplement for fat loss is, and I like to say, "depending on the quality of the supplement, it's whatever you put on your fork and spoon". Don't get me wrong, there are some supplements that can help with your efforts, however, they are SUPPLEMENTS. They "supplement" your efforts, not replace them. Get your nutrition in order first. A good start along with your nutrition program is a quality multi-vitamin and fish oil. But before taking the multi-vitamin, you'll burn more calories if you do the Humpty Dance just before taking them. No, not really. But it is fun and that's what I do.

5. I love it when people ask me how I lost all that weight and tell them I had to exercise and change my eating habits. Many of them look so disappointed. It's like they were anticipating some miracle diet or supplement. The look of, "ahhh crap. I have to work hard for it? That sucks" is priceless. Yeah, it takes work. But trust me, there's no better feeling in the world.

6. Doing 20 minutes of cardio intervals is better than 60 minutes of steady-state cardio for fat loss. Yeah, that is good news. Go ahead, you know want to do the chicken dance now.

7. The whole myth that females shouldn't lift heavy because they get "bulky".... ohhhhh geez. I'll just leave it at that.

8. Want to improve your posture while driving? Raise your rear-view mirror.

9. Protein takes longer for the body to assimilate than carbohydrates or fat. Hmmm, that means your body will burn more calories to digest protein. Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if you increased your protein intake and decreased your processed carbs intake. Do that for 6 weeks and you tell me.

10. Yes, it's true. I'm the 126th person to tell you this and it's a shame you haven't done it yet. Eating more frequent, small meals throughout the day is an amazing weapon for fat loss. You won't get hungry, your metabolism will ignite, and you'll get more energy. Did you know the last 4 lottery winners admitted to eating smaller, more frequent meals throughout the day? I just made that up, but wouldn't that be cool?

OK, enough seriousness. I think I'm ready for a rant again ... Til' next time...

Jul 2, 2009

Things That Make Me Shake My Head This Week

Yeah, call me Grumpy because this is another rant. There are alot of things that made me shake my head this week as well as think, "hmmm.... I'm going to gripe about that in my blog". Again, I can't believe I'm a blogger. It's fun. It's random. Well, here is the list that made me shake my head this week...

1. The word "blog". It's just a weird word. Sometimes, it makes me chuckle. Sometimes it makes me think, "who came up with that word?". Try this trick. Look at the mirror with a serious face, point at yourself and say, "blog". It makes me laugh every time.

2. I am so freaking weird!

3. There was a "Muscle and Fitness" magazine on the desk. I opened it up to a random page. You know that guy that used some kind of "miracle" supplement that lost like 20 lbs in 8 weeks with a spectacular before/after pic? Get this. Both the before and after photos were taken within an hour. Before pic = dim the lighting, "pertrude" your stomach out as if you're pregnant, and be as relaxed as possible. The after pic = beef up the lighting, put on some tanning spray, WORK OUT, and flex while the shot is being taken. Don't fall for the "miracle" supplement. I know, it's cheesy, but it's true.

4. To the guy that was lifting the 90lb dumbbells and dropping them onto the floor at the highest point for the "ohhhh... look at me! look at me! I'm so strong and sexy!!" effect, you don't impress me. You know the older lady at the other side of the gym when you put on the show? Unlike you, she can walk to her mailbox and not get winded.

5. Peppers and onions on pizza. Who's the punk that came up with that idea? Just looking at a pepper or onion on pizza pisses me off. That's like putting mayo on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yeah, I'm weird.

6. They make a reality show out of anything. Are we so bored with ourselves that we need to watch someone else go to the grocery store on TV for stimulation? Next week on "Mom From California" ..... Elaine gets a headache and goes to Walgreens for some Tylenol. That's so stupid!

7. The Biggest Loser. Ohhhhhhh geez. I love it when they put in the cheesy plugs. "You know Rick, when I am cooking in the kitchen and I am tempted to snack, I just chew on this lovely Extra brand chewing gum. It's sweet, it's sugar-free and I get a paid endorsement for saying these words".

8. Why does GA close 3 miles of road for a pot hole that is 6 inches in diameter? And why is one person working on it, while 4 others stand behind him with a cup of coffee or a cheeseburger just watching him? You little dillweed. Move some cones and let us go through.

9. I absolutely LOVE being in the express lane at Kroger with 4 items while I wait on the lady in front of me with a buggy full of stuff talking on the cell phone wanting to write a check. Actually, I'm lying. I really hate that. Hmmm... how about I take that cell phone, shove it so far down your throat that you fart text messages for a week? Does that sound cool? Awesome.

10. Leaving the buggy right next to your car instead of returning it 10 feet over to the coral. Are you kidding me? You can't take 12 seconds out of your day to walk your lazy bum and a buggy 10 feet away? Is it because you need to finish your conversation with your bff about what you saw on TMZ?

11. TMZ. Oh for crying out loud. A channel about nonsense. "Paris Hilton sneezed in the hot tub today and was caught on camera. Julie is on location... Julie? Yes. It's true Paris Hilton did sneeze and it was more than once". ... I would rather watch a pair of 1984 PE class shorts sit in my memory drawer than that crap. Why do people like that stuff?

12. I was hoping to just name 10 things and I did 12 instead. For crying out loud... I'm a Grump.

Jun 25, 2009

Fun with Solicitors

Check out my conversation on the phone with a solicitor at the gym...

Solicitor: (automated message) We can lower your interest rate on your mortgage. To speak to a representative, press "1" now

Me: Pressed "1"

Solicitor: Hi, who am I speaking with?

Me: Me

Solicitor: Sir, we can help lower your interest rate by...

Me: Excuse me, I'm at a gym and alot is going on... "Wilbert! Put your pants back on! I hate it when you do squats like that. This is a family gym!" Sorry... you were saying?

Solicitor: Ummm sir, we can help you with your mortgage by...

Me: Gertrude!! What did I say!! I told you that those poles are NOT to use as a dancing pole! Now take your silly wig off and switch your high heels for sneakers NOW!!

Solicitor: (chuckling) Sir? Can I interest you in one of our programs?

Me: Hmmm. Maybe, but ... Oh c'mon Larry! Quit letting your monkey do pull-ups in here! No animals! And take that silly tu-tu off of him!!

Solicitor: (Laughing) Is everything ok there?

Me: Things are a little slow, but I'm ok. But I'm hungry so I'm going to let you go.

Sorry folks... today is a little slow at the gym, so I did what I could with a marketing call.

Have a good day,
Mike Whitfield
Fitness Trainer, Weirdo

Jun 23, 2009

My First Blog is a Rant ... Awesome!

I'm not a negative person, but sometimes, people have to vent. That's what I'm doing now. See? I told you this blog will be really random. My next blog might be about frogs or scooters... who knows. Anyway, here are my rants.

1. Jon & Kate Plus 8 = I'm bored and sick of it.
2. Georgia traffic lights. The theory behind having a light stay red for 10 minutes and green for 6 seconds is beyond me. This is why someplace only 6 miles away can take 30 minutes to get there. Thanks GA DOT!
3. The new Facebook layout. Don't even get me started. "Waldo just found himself in his own puzzle. Now you take the Where's Waldo quiz!". "Jane just took the How Many June of 1984 Songs Do You Know quiz". Are you kidding me?
4. Gym grunters. Yeah, we get it. It's heavy. Congratulations.
5. Speaking of the gym... why do some people persist on coming in every day to do 1,000 sets of bench presses, yet they can't do a single push-up?
6. 70-year olds who try to look 25. It hurts to watch.
7. The "I don't have time to exercise. I have kids" excuse. There's a trainer at my gym that works full time, and has had 3 kids. She's as chiseled as anyone that has been photoshopped on the cover of People Magazine.
8. Reality shows. Yeah, I said it.
9. When people know more about American Idol than the presidential candidates... and then they go vote.
10. Onions.

Jun 22, 2009

Coming soon...

This blog will be really random. Sometimes, I might give some good nutrition/fitness tips. I may talk about the weather. I may even talk about my left shoe. But several people have asked if I could start a blog, so I'm doing some digging and starting one up. Be on the lookout.