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Jul 28, 2009

It Just Irritates Me

I might be pushing some buttons on this blog, and if I do... well quit reading. Because I won't stop. Ranting feels good. It gives me goose bumps... almost like the first game of the NFL season. And admit it. You do think some of this stuff, but you're afraid to blog about it. Alright fine, you're not dorky enough to blog about it. Making fun of myself is awesome.

1. Stimulus package commercials. Enough already. "Try our new stimulus package burger", "For a limited time, get approved on our stimulus package credit card", "try our new stimulus priced Viagra... stay stimulused for hours FREE (pay only shipping and handling). Alright, I may have made up a few all of these. Whatever.

2. All sentences on TV that have the word "healthcare" in it.

3. To the guy that was attempting to bench 300 with your buddy spotter.... when your butt and back are nowhere close to being on the bench, and your spotter is practically popping a vein in his head helping you out... you're actually helping him bicep curl 300 lbs. Congrats... I guess.

4. When you practically "disco" a 45 lb plate on your head, is that a magic trick? I can't seem to find it in my anatomy book. Oh wait, there it is... it's under the "exercises that you can make up to look like an idiot" section.

Food marketing. I love the "low carb" stickers on mayo and rib eyes. The "no trans-fats" is getting annoying. Hmmm, I ate 16 bagels, but NOOOOO trans-fats! This diet rocks!

6. Walmart parking lots. I don't get it. I'm letting you cross in front of me, and you decide to go even slower. If you were on a treadmill, you would be turning on the "what's the point?" setting. Cross over already.

7. The body language chick on the Foxnews channel that talks with Bill O'Reilly. You are seriously paid to analyze someone's arm position when they're talking? Wow, you lucked out. "Do you see how the president is wearing a navy suit with a striped tie, and has his chin up with a slight grin? That means he is wanting to spend money at this moment". Well guess what... he's ripped from the 4th Martini that he put on the expense account and is wearing a red dress and heels and he still likes to spend money. I could have my arms crossed and be very happy. I could have my arms doing the white mambo and be very happy. Analyze that for me.

8. Uptight grumpy people...Yes, I did say what I did (number 7). I'm joking around. Loosen up your collar a little bit. Here ya go... I'll make fun of myself. Will that help? "Look at me, look at me! I have like... a blog and I'm a dork! I type stuff. I'm like a Mr. Big Shot writing a blog and all. What kind of haircut is that? Ohhh, look at me, look at me. I'm so cool with my smooth and hairless head! I'm sure all 2 of my readers will read this blog. Ohhh wow, I just realized how cool I am!" LOL, making fun of myself is more fun than I thought it would be. That was awesome.

9. It's called a blinker. It comes standard with all vehicles. Try using it. Ohhh, you couldn't because you were texting? Hmmm, my bad. I'll tell you what I would tell Rosie O'Donell if I were to meet her. Take your bottom lip, pull it over your head, and then swallow. I've yet to see it happen, but I bet it would be cool.

10. Tomatoes.

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