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Jul 21, 2009

Relationship Rant... Oh My, Dare I?

Relationships. The word alone can make you sigh as if you just ate Thanksgiving lunch and sat down to watch an NFL game. Yeah, that kind of sigh. Now before you start the "oh no you didn't" thoughts about me doing a relationship rant, hear me out on this. My wife actually suggested it. She said since I'm not the greatest at "expressing" myself (ohhhh brother), that this would help her get inside my brain. Well guess what, you don't want to go in there. It's really random. One minute I'm thinking of a workout program I'm putting together for a client, the next minute I'm hanging out with Homer Simpson watching episodes of "House". But here ya go (and I've taken naps on the sofa, and it's really not too bad)...

1. Why do women like silly, non-sense chick flicks about really shallow subject matter? We just saw "He's Really Not That Into You" (or something like that). It was about dating. It takes just seconds for someone to say the words, "Guys are difficult, and it's all a game.... the end). They found a way to tell you this one sentence over a span of over 90 minutes.

2. It's been 5 years. She still doesn't get it. Yes, I am in love with NFL football. Yes, I can watch pregame, the 1pm game, the 4 pm game, the Sunday night game, the Monday night game, the Thursday night game, the Saturday games, and all the post game highlights. And you know what? That's still not enough. My friends and family warned you. You didn't listen.

3. The "what do you want to eat?" game. I hate it. What do you want to eat? I don't know, what do you want to eat? So I finally speak up and say something like, "how about a chicken breast and some spinach?" Then, I get the "I don't want that". Let me guess... you want Taco Bell, but you want me to say Taco Bell so you don't feel guilty. Hmmm, well, this game sucks and I'm going to eat my chicken breast and spinach.

4. Yes, I'm crossing my arms, and no, it's not because I'm angry. It's comfortable. It is ok for me to cross my arms while we're talking. There's not a hidden agenda... I promise. If you quit reading the so-called "body language" articles in those silly magazines, you'll discover that my agenda for scratching my cheek is not "I'm disappointed in you and I can't stand your clothes". It's because my cheek itches. That's it.

5. If I choose Unsweetened Tea instead of a Diet Dr. Pepper, it's no reason to fall apart and think that you no longer know me and I am a completely different person making dramatic changes in my life. It's because.... well... I wanted a freakin' Unsweetened Tea instead of a Diet Dr. Pepper.

6. If I'm in the bathroom, I'm inaccessible. Please don't tell me about your friend's new ear rings. I'm basically in a different realm. I actually don't even exist. But don't worry, I will return. But until then, don't try to converse with me.

7. While I'm flipping the channels as I try to call it a night and you're reading, please... continue reading. Asking, "what's that?" at each and every channel hinders my ability to fall asleep. Every time you turn the page in your "Twighlight" series, I promise not to ask you, "who's kissing who?"

8. Soap. That's it. That's all I require to be in a shower. For you, it's almost like we have a freakin' pantry in the shower with no door. Why is Kroger's cosmetic department in our shower?

9. Vacuuming the same spot for 3 hours is just as effective as vacuuming the same spot for 1 minute. When you vacuum, our electricity bill goes up $40 that month.

10. Just to save my own butt, please understand that I'm VERY happy and this is just to get a chuckle or two. Oh yeah, and my sofa is comfortable.


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