PLEASE STOP.

As in please stop the madness.  I'm writing this as I sip on some caffeine and getting prepared to do some Burpee/Pullup combos, Incline DB Chest Presses, DB Swings, and other fine moves.  Then I'm going to have a protein shake with some fruit and throw up.  Can I interest you in some awesomeness?  Just kidding. Anyway, there are things all over the place that are making me say, "please stop". I am going to vent them with who else?, the world.

1.  The Shake Weight.  Nuff said.


2.  The Shake Weight.  Nuff said. (I typed that again on purpose.  That's how much it gets on my nerves).


3. These so-called "cutting edge" exercises.  "It's crazy!  You hold this weight bar above your head with your left hand while doing bicep curls with the other hand while standing on a Bosu ball and you'll like... get an amazing core and stuff!".  If that's true, than you can call me "Beatrice, the trainer" for a month.

4.  I would love to have just $.01 every time I heard "chest" when I ask a guy at the gym, "what does your workout look like today?".  I would be somewhere in the Dominican Republic sipping on some fruity frozen drink eating fresh fruit and calling the hostess that brings it over, "Cookie".  Not because her name is Cookie, but because I would have enough money to pay her to allow me to call her "Cookie".  Work your back.  Work your legs.  Work something different for once.

5.  Infomercials...  Get rich overnight.  Get fit overnight.  Get sexy overnight.  It doesn't happen people.  I've been trying to bring sexy back since high school and I'm not even close. 

6.  Facebook.... I'm going to  ask your cow, "what did the 5 fingers say to the face?" and then slap your cow in the face in Farmville.  That's right.  I'll do something similar in Mafia Wars, too.  Now invite me to join.

7.  Lady Gaga.  OK, really.  I think I'll just make a bunch of noises in the shower and see if I can make a record.  Are you kidding me??  Ra, ra, romp boo bah... OVER... OVER ... AND OVER again?  This is called music?  Please explain why.

8.  These youngsters (ohhh crap.  Does this mean I'm old since I said that??  Ugh... I'll save that for a different blog post) and their cell phones.  Sure they're at the gym for 2 hours, but they only did about 20 minutes of actual lifting.  I guess they have to read their text messages like "LOL, OMW!  LBAY. LIC. L8RG8R." ... Please stop looking that up.  It means this--------> laughing out loud, oh my word!  Laughing back at you. Like I care.  Later Gator."  Yeah, I'm hip, what's up? 

9.  I'm sad that I had to look up those acronyms.  I guess I am old.  Worthy of posting?  Probably not.  But it's my blog and I can do whatever I want to.

10.  I can't remember the exact number, but in this economy, GNC reported record setting profits.  People are still looking for that "fat burner".  The best fat burner, in my opinion?, is at your local farmer's market.  They're called "fruits and vegetables".  Just sayin'.

- Mikey

Rants From a Trainer

What a random Monday blog...I'm in a great mood but I gotta get this stuff off my chest...

1.  I usually despise the "inner and outer" thigh machines.  But today when I was removing some plates from it, I found myself rolling my eyes in the mirror just looking at them.  Please stop the madness and go with lunges (and think outside the box... side lunges, rotational lunges, etc, etc.)

2.  Crunches?.... Ugh, never mind.

3. Sipping on my energy drink before my workout is one of my highlights of my day... that's sad and cool all at the same time.

4.  If I hear one more person gasp when I tell them I eat the yolks of eggs, I'm going to lose it.

5.  "Don't eat fruit... it has sugars!".... Really??  When was the last time someone said, "Gosh, I can't believe I put on all this weight.  It's from all those apples I've been eating".  Fruit doesn't make you fat for crying out loud.

6.  It's true. Genetics do play a role in your weight... but it's not a crutch.  So, knock it off.  I'm a Whitfield.  I have to work hard to keep my preferred body fat level... thanks Mom and Dad!  (I'm kidding... my parents are awesome).

7.  Quit looking for the magic bullet.  Eat better and exercise.  It's that simple.  You can research all you want to.  Just keep in mind that if you're doing that research, you're not exercising.  I'm just sayin'.

8.  Why is it that when I write my clients' programs... I'm all "gitty", but when it comes to writing my own program, I'm like.... "eh".  It must be one of those things like a landscaper... making everyone else's lawns look great but doesn't feel like cutting his own grass.

9.  "I don't have a choice.  I have to eat all these cookies because my kids have them for school".  Whew... good thing you do that.  I was just watching Fox News about these horrible parents that were reported for child abuse because they didn't supply enough Little Debbie snacks for little Johnny. 

10.  I'm about to be a Dad.  The following thoughts have occurred in my head: "Oh lawd!!", "Is my life over?", "I think I'm going to put a little football in the baby's hands when he/she is born... that's going to be funny... and cool", Will I be a good father?", "Please don't take away my Madden video game time... it's precious because I already don't get much of it".

OK, I feel better.  Have a great week everybody!
- Mike Whitfield